All About EPublishing …

17/06/2012 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 44 – All About EPublishing …Ms Paige Turner tells an intentional fib on each blog and this bi-month you get an emailed story from Patricia’s Sentinella’s ‘Dear John, Dear Anyone …’

Yes. Creative Ink Publishing author: Patricia Sentinella is live on Amazon Kindle. www.patsentinella.yolasite.com You can buy her lovely book – Dear John, Dear Anyone … for a mere 99p. Please go and buy it – as the newly married Mr Brylcream (Technical Director on the film and busy editing for our autumn premier) would say – YOU – YES YOU – I think you should go download and leave a review. Here’s a taster …

LINDEN TREE

Outside London; Islington,
an iron railing and the tree
filling the room with its light.
At the window, a sea green rush.

A room full of limelight;
curtains in full sail,
the bed afloat; two voyagers,
lips tasting of salt.

‘Poetry does not get much better than this: spare writing allowing the reader to engage with the poem. Sentinella can capture the moment and record it brilliantly. Cracking stuff.’ South Magazine.

Mr Tim AJ Cox www.teejaycox.com has agreed to work on marketing for Patricia’s collection which leaves me blissfully free to do what I do best: edit and teach and write blogs.

Creative Ink classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays for the autumn are now full so I have opened up Wednesdays – Get that Book out of You beginning October 17th.

The intentional fib on last bi-month’s blog was of course King’s Parade and not Queen’s Parade in Cambridge which I altered in honour of the Queen’s Half Term but go on, I’ll give Di Morrish first in with ‘marquis’ instead of marquee.

I have to say, I’ve noticed of late that Mr Double Cream of Uxbridge and Mr John Moore have been increasingly flippant re: my intentional fibs and I love it.

Available On Amazon (Kindle Version)… (Click on title for direct link)…………….. Dear John (K
Available On Amazon (Paperback)……..(Click on title for direct link)………………… Dear John
Available through Waterstones.com………..(Click on title for direct link)…………… Dear John
EPublishing service with cover designs available.

Mistresses of Our Art …

03/06/2012 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 43 – Mistresses of our Art – Spot the intentional fib and three free Creative Ink handout sheets are yours.

Four years after graduation, Oxbridge graduates are invited to receive an honorary Master of Arts from their university as long as they keep their noses clean, don’t go to prison or get divorced. I know. It’s bizarre but Mr Justin Case and I felt compelled to stand in a lengthy, cold May queue and witness Miss Trial having some Latin words spoken over her at a ceremony which resembles the State Opening of Parliament. Her law qualifications (along with the forthcoming nuptials) has cost us more than limbs can say, but for this Masters degree she just had to be good and we got a free lunch.
Outside the senate house Miss Trial’s chums dumped their degrees in a pile and I was nominated to child mind the pile whilst everyone went to take photos. I didn’t mind. I was faint from checking out the chapel the evening before for the forthcoming nuptials whilst Miss Trial and chums were having their customary *knees up. They all looked dishevelled and hung over in their photos and some random Master approached me and asked if I had his post grad degree in the pile as he had only received it ten minutes previous and had now lost it. Such is the nouse of Cambridge grads – but he was assured that for twenty quid he could get a new one.
The marquis was pretty soak sodden in that May rain and I almost expected some random swimmer with an Arts Council grant to greet us on Queen’s Parade to cast a bad spell on the elitist proceedings but the free lunch was well lubricated. A random professor sat at our table to join us silently for his free lunch. He looked like a slim Clement Freud, rolling his eyes and lentils around the place and plate. I managed to extract that he lectured in English but Miss Trial and Maid of Honour immediately ‘shushed’ me saying random fellows joined lunch tables for their free lunches every day of the week but like the Queen, were never spoken to first. I was about to say this seemed as odd as the fellow himself and how I didn’t feel he would go down that well teaching Creative Writing at the Fitzwilliams Centre in Beaconsfield but Miss Trial interrupted me saying, “Dad’s been left unsupervised and is telling the whole table his life story. Do something.”
On our return to the hotel which will be the reception venue I mused that I had always wanted an MA and no-one had given me one. In fact, didn’t I deserve the MA as I had tested Miss Trial on her Latin conjunctions and ferried her to Lacrosse matches where she could stand in goal and eat doughnuts at half time. Mr Justin Case said it was never worthwhile me getting one as I would never have earned the course fee.
But the catch of the day has to go to the girl tripping after a gown in the John’s courtyard, saying, “Oh, they’re not going to invite you back in four years and give you a doctorate, are they?”

Ms Paige Turner (Mistress of her Art)
• *very polite phrase
• Tuesday and Thursday Creative Ink for Writers’ classes for the autumn are now full but places on Saturday 23rd June – Scriptwriting at Beaconsfield.
• 250 Flash Fiction assessment for Catherine Pianta-McGill who spotted that I once had a Westie called Jack and not a spaniel on last bi-month’s fib.

Raining Cats and Dogs …

20/05/2012 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 42 – Raining Cats and Dogs …Ms Paige Turner tells an intentional fib on each blog … a flash fiction 250 word assessment to be won on this one …

We have brand new cream carpets on all our floors. We even take off our slippers and walk barefoot so that not a speck of dirt lands on the unpolluted pile.
Last week, when it raineth every day I was dashing off to meet Ms Juke Box – wait for it – there is a connection to the first paragraph – be patient – when an wide-eyed King Charles Spaniel – a stray – was sitting by my car. I miss my Cocker Spaniel Jack, but alas, travels and cream carpets keep me and dog ownership apart. Conscious that Ms Juke Box and I needed to check out the red carpet for the forthcoming November premier of the ‘Dear John’ film, I called up to Mr Justin Case that a spaniel was (now) on our doorstep and could he come and dog mind. Mr Justin Case – love him – said leave the dog – the owner will pitch up. I saw King Charles Spaniel had a name tag so reached to catch the number and the landline phone. You guessed. With a smile, because dogs do, King Charles Spaniel bounded over my lounge cream carpet as I was phoning his owner and my husband was now downstairs shouting, “You very silly woman”. I shouted at the neighbouring owner that my new cream carpets were being destroyed – or something similar.
The rainy day got worse. The traffic warden at Barn Hall, Amersham didn’t spot my parking ticket on the wind screen and said she couldn’t possibly take the penalty charge notice back – I’d have to write and appeal and no, she couldn’t give me her name. My car needs a new suspension and the bank is charging me £6 a month erroneously on my overseas business. I’m a writer! What overseas business? Well, just print out the forms and we’ll cancel the transaction.
I needed to go to bed, packed the dishwasher which bit my ankle. I was lucky. I don’t think it needs stitches but I haven’t removed the plaster yet.
The good news is that Mr Brylcream (elevated to Mr now he is married) only needs 5 metres for his projector so we may have more ‘Dear John’ seats than we thought. It’s made it all worthwhile.

Missenden Abbey Write Beginners – many thanks for the lovely day in the library.
E Publisher – Tim AJ Cox – will be talking at Creative Ink on Thursday 31st May at 11.00am. Free admission. Email me.
Scriptwriting Day Workshop at Beaconsfield – Saturday 23rd June
Last bi-month’s intentional error – how do you spell synaesthesia? Like that.

Spending Cash and Calories …

06/05/2012 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 41 – Spending Cash and Calories …On each blog Ms Paige tells a Porkie Pie and on this one that Limited Edition Rhyme & Reason is still going …

I’ve been in Purdah all Bank Holiday weekend, reading writers’ words and assessing their delightful stories. Words tend to come in on the second week of term for some unknown reason and I just siphon off the weekend and live in my pyjamas. Writers fret that the basic idea isn’t good enough, or the material they are writing isn’t right, or that the final product will be nothing like they had first envisaged and will all the time and money invested be worth it.
Master Plan is making my MOB (Mother of the Bride Outfit) and I’ve fretted – not knowing exactly how it’s going to pan out. He seems confident he can pull the threads together and I feel I am in safe sewing hands. I think the fabric is good, I had an idea of the design (something like Carole Middleton’s of course) and I’ve been putting shades together and seeing if they work. It isn’t how I had first envisaged it but I’ve learnt a lot on this journey: about me and about how something comes together. It’s taken time, money and I need to watch calories. I hope it will be worth it but at least Miss Trial will know I did my best and gave it thought.
That’s called Analogy.
Of course Miss Trial and I have had some good Sushi and Sauvignon Blanc along the way, just to lubricate Life. Once we’ve spent some cash and spared some calories in Low Fat Restaurants, she decides to take the train ride home when we sit up with her dad, Mr Justin Case and eat cheese and chocolate digestive biscuits. Last week I was teaching the next day so retired early, once again faint from the fitting. But then some two hours later both Miss Trial and Mr Justin Case burst into my bedroom falling, laughing on my bed and telling me how much they loved me or one another. I can’t remember which – I just said –“P*** off, I’ve got to get up and teach Free Indirect Speech tomorrow.” There’s dedication for you.

What a lovely lot of writers came to Children’s Writing at Iver last weekend and looking forward to ‘Write Beginnings’ this coming one at Missenden Abbey. Writers can come – no admission fee – to Tim AJ Cox’s talk on E-Publishing on Kindle on Thursday 31st May at the Fitzwilliams Centre, Beaconsfield at 11.00am as I’ve booked a larger room but please email me first.
Master Brylcream (Technical Director) and Miss Brylcream-in-Waiting – have a lovely wedding day next Saturday and I hope there’s a scent of confetti in the air which is Synaesthasia.

Spot the Synaesthesia

22/04/2012 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 40 – Spot the Synaesthesia and get a back copy of ‘Rhyme & Reason’ as a prize … says Ms Paige Turner

It was Mr Justin Case who spotted that ‘CapeTownians’ should be spelt ‘Capetonians’. But he is one. He emailed me the answer – we carry on like this – day to day – emailing one another up and down the stairs. He wouldn’t fill in the answer in the blog box so he’s not getting a prize. I’m going to give the prize to West Coat writer, Dawn Rae – who said I wasn’t ‘showing off’ at Milnerton in March but lecturing on ‘Showing and Telling’ – those old chestnuts.
Now for some showing off: Creative Ink classes are now full with waiting lists for a ‘free taster’. If a present Creative Inker is absent you can come ‘free taste’ so email me.
This reminds me. I’m still suffering from Capetonian mozzie bites. I swear when I arrive at Cape Town airport they shout, “Okay, boys, she’s back. Lunch.”
Humour and Comedy workshop at Millbrook, High Wycombe is coming up on Saturday 6th May with ‘Write Beginnings’ close on its heels at Missenden Abbey on Saturday 12th May – places available. You get a great lunch at Missenden Abbey.
Also bubbling away – Patricia Sentinella’s Dear John, Dear Anyone collection of poetry and short stories will soon be available via E-Publishing on Kindle as Mr Red Hat gets us into gear so more news on that soon.
Everyone is getting married or having babies. Master Brylcream – our technical director on the ‘Dear John’ film is marrying his lovely Mrs Brylcream-in-Waiting and Miss Trial and Master Mind are marrying within weeks. Even Ms Tea Tree Oil is getting married and so what will I call them all? Their names are so neat. Master Nephew is having twins and I’m snowed under with confetti. Its scent is in the air …
As is the scent of pride on hearing that our daughter, Miss Trial, gained Tenancy at her chambers last week which means that now, after seven years of training, she has a permanent post and job. The morning following the news I asked her, “No pressure, but when do you take Silk?”

Cape Townians: Masters of the Under and Over Statement …

07/04/2012 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 39 – Cape Townians: Masters of the Under and Overstatement …Ms Paige Turner tells an intentional fib on each blog. Be the first to spot and submit and win a Flash Fiction assessment (up to 250 words).

I’ve just returned from Cape Town where the sun scorches but the natives stare up at the cloudy sky (a wisp of white on blue) and say, “Winter is coming”. The shops are filled with faux fur: Cape Townians embrace their coming season being fed up to the back teeth, as my mother would say, with the sun. Ah …I try to see as many people as possible and quickly when I get back to the UK as I work so hard on my tan but like the sun, it disappears without notice.
In between the tanning work I covered ‘Common Crimes and How we all Commit Them’ with the lovely Fish Hoek Scribblers and then I was off to Milnerton and the West Coast Writers for a session on ‘Showing Off’ with Muriel Spark.
I’m a ‘swallow’: perfectly clear to the Cape Townians as a swallow migrates south in the European winter, but we only go for a month at a time and I do some work when I am down there. So you could say I’m a working swallow. See my ‘Swallow’s Eye View’ on www.scenicsouth.co.za It’s about chocolate this month for Easter but next month I’ll be covering my visits to the Desmond Tutu HIV Youth Foundation and the theatrical work that Earl Mentor and Thando Silo have been doing with the Marhoshi (The Kings) group. I hope to get involved with this drama work on my next visit.
I’ll leave you with some clever Cape Townians ‘understatements’. On a visit to a game reserve a truck load of us were faced with a buffalo I swear was going to charge and destroy the vehicle. He was mean: I was terrified. There were intakes of breath. Not a sound could be heard except for a snort and paw of the African earth. And then suddenly this South African woman pipes up, “He looks a bit short tempered, doesn’t he?”
Ah. You had to be there.
But the prize for understatement has to go to Mr Justin Case. Having spent an entire weekend in Fish Hoek with the patently obvious Scouse John Moore (one of my three blog readers) and his lovely partner, Mr Justin Case pipes up with, “Have you ever been to Liverpool, John?”
Thus followed much mirth and Merlot and Beatles’ refrains. Happy Easter.

• Just one place left on the Tuesday morning ‘Get Inspired’ summer course beginning April 24th for seven weeks.
• Writing Magazine is featuring my Home Tutorial work this month along with my ’40 Ways to Kick Start Your Writing Day’.

Change of Seasons and Flip Sides

25/03/2012 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 38 – Change of Seasons and Flip Sides …

White Rhino in Winter

And suddenly … clamped on road side,
zooless – but ours for the viewing,
prehistoric pedestrian – pavement slab for hide,
blank blinkers stare seemingly – at nothing.

Handicapped horn bent towards winter earth,
the haunting whisper of captivated guide,
“She carried two calves for fourteen months,
– she lost them last week to a pride.”

Mother’s eyes on sun drenched winter evening.
Weighted monument in mourning.

Now that Mothering Sunday has just passed us by and British Summer Time begins, I am reminded of flip sides: not all mothers have their children sending love on any days and for some winter will be upon them soon. Hence, here is my poem, written whilst on a trip to the Kruger National Park and inspired by a guide who saw a beauty in a creature that others might find elusive. It is published in Gill Hartley’s Aspects of Grief published by Moorleys All profits and Royalties donated to The Compassionate Friends. www.gillhartley.com With p & p this works out at £10. 50 for a signed copy if required.
The word ‘poem’ comes from the Greek translation ‘workmanship’. The poems which get written in our ‘Get Inspired’ Tuesday morning Creative Ink classes are sculpted by inspiration and perspiration. Gill Hartley has been attending Tuesday Creative Ink classes for some years. At time of writing I have just one place left on this course beginning Tuesday April 24th for seven weeks.
Di Morrish, a Tuesday Creative Inker spotted last bi-month’s porkie pie: John Moore’s story of those lying Cretans is not paradoxical conceit and Di will be receiving three free handout sheets of her choice. But as an existing Creative Inker she has access to all my handout sheets anyway.
No fibs this month as I am on the go … News of this next bi-month.

Managing Expectations

12/03/2012 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 37 – Managing Expectations …Ms Paige Turner tells a porkie pie on each blog. Be the first to spot it this bi-month and you win yourself three free handout sheets of your choice …

‘Managing Expectations’: now that’s a quirky little phrase which has recently popped out of mouths, isn’t it?
Miss Trial told me that as a mother, I have ‘Great Expectations’. When one’s expectations exceed the reality then one faces huge disappointments, whether that be who you have assumed will accept a wedding invitation or who you assume will buy your newly published book. If they don’t you can find yourself in ‘Disappointment Land’.
Cosmetic surgeons and beauty therapists talk about ‘managing expectations’ or not having too great expectations for one’s age or lifestyle.
I spoke to Master Sound Advice on this topic of ‘expectations’ and he said that it was best to ‘under promise’ and ‘over deliver’. This way expectations will not overtake reality.
It may seem as though I am switching the subject here – but be patient and you will not be disappointed – for I was telling the truth on my last blog when I said that I never fib on St Valentine’s Day even though the illustrious John Moore said that I may have fibbed and he quoted a Cretan who said, “All Cretans lie, and as I am a Cretan is that a lie?”
Well, I’ll tell you what is. It’s something called ‘paradoxical conceit’ as in Shakespeare’s love sonnet: Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments. The last line is: If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ and no man ever loved. It’s conceited as the narrator is saying he can’t be wrong. Similar to his famous words ‘I do believe her though I know she lies …’
Well, let me finish off in a circular fashion. Anyone who tells you that they are in the business of ‘managing expectations’ is probably telling a porkie pie.

Caroline Francis spotted that it wasn’t Easterkerke Church but Westerkerke Church in Amsterdam and she gets three handout sheets of her choice and if she carries on being the first to spot the fib she may be ascending to the heights of a Creative Ink scholarship.
Creative Ink Summer Thursday’ Get that Book’ Course is now full and one place left on Tuesday ‘Get Inspired’.

Empty Nest Syndrome, Menopause and Other Myths …

26/02/2012 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 36 – Empty Nest Syndrome, Menopause and other Myths …Ms Paige Turner tells a porkie pie on each blog. Be the first to spot it and this week three handout sheets of your choice will be yours. Rush …

I’ve spent the day with Miss Tea Tree Oil, waxing hysterical and watching my toe nails dry. I’ve deserved it; been working hard but loved it. Thursday ‘Get that Book out of You’ for the summer is full with a waiting list and Tuesdays ‘Get Inspired’ has two places left as of today. So do email me if you’d like to take one up. I’m getting to grips with E-publishing at present and hoping Mr Red Hat who manages my website will point the way.
I spent a wonderful last Sunday with Mr Red Hat and his lovely husband who have been organising the gay film festival at the Riverside Studios www.riversidestudios.co.uk Mr Justin Case, Miss Trial, Master Mind and I went to see Tennessee Williams’ Suddenly Last Summer. According to Mr Red Hat, Williams was so appalled by this splendid film starring the stunning Elizabeth Taylor in a swim hat that must have sold trillions that he spat at the director at the end of filming. I said maybe it was the intrusive comma in the billed title Suddenly, Last Summer which may have enflamed the playwright’s anger for what was that comma doing there but everyone was just too busy talking about weddings. Mr Red Hat and his Guy had the most superlative wedding in the Easterkerk Church, Amsterdam and I said the next time they would see my daughter would be in a wedding dress.
Thus on that instant suddenly was I seized with the notion of the passage of time and a hot flush in the Riverside Studios’ restaurant over some salami. No-one noticed. No-one ever does. But here is what I want to say about the myth of the Empty Nest Syndrome and The Menopause. They are supposed to pass. But let me tell you – they don’t. They are both as intrusive as that erring comma in the billed title Suddenly, Last Summer. And they never go away. The waves of nostalgia and flush flow and ebb but never fade away. Both are with you for good, as if you haven’t had children you must have had a hamster or something. Suddenly Last Summer is full of birds and this one is getting older.
But strangely, as I do grow older, and yes, indeed, I am, just as even the stunning Liz Taylor did, I’m having the time of my life …

There was no porkie pie in last St. Valentine’s Day posting as stated.

Three Little Words …

13/02/2012 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 35 – Ms Paige Turner never fibs on Valentine’s Day …

Three Little Words …

Easy to love
In darkened rooms
On damp afternoons
When lamplights beat
On seal-wet streets
With eyes that meet
Over the rims of time
Deep in the soul of red, red wine.

Not easy to love
On soggy mornings
With red bill warnings
Fluorescent bare
Dull eyes stare
With urgent need to read
The fascinating narrative
On the All Bran packet.

But I do.

Creative Ink for Writers classes start up again the week beginning
Tuesday 24th (Get Inspired) and Thursday 26th (Get that Book) April at the Fitzwilliams Centre. Free tasters for the next two weeks – email me.

John Moore is delighted to win three free poem assessments for spotting that there’s plenty in my house that is younger than 16 years.

‘Write Beginners’ at Missenden Abbey this last weekend – you were peaches. Looking forward to those of you who are free tasting.