Future Proofed

29/01/2012 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 34 – Future Proofed – Ms Paige Turner tells a porkie pie on each blog. Be the first to spot it and this bi-month you will get up to three poems assessed free.

Our TV is sixteen years old. Everything in our house is sixteen years old except for me and Mr Justin Case.
We thought we should invest in a flat screen TV: the present one lives in one of those expensive wooden boxes designed when TVs should be unseen and anyway our aerial has gone squiff with the recent winds so there we were with Mr TV man.
As you can imagine Mr Justin Case has been researching TVs for the past year and he knew exactly which model he wanted until we met Mr TV man who told us that 3D was what we wanted as it was Future Proofed.
This is a new little phrase to me and put me in mind of when I went for my wedding outfit fitting for Miss Trial and Master Mind’s forthcoming nuptials. That evening Miss Trial and her dad – Mr Justin Case – had the luxury of sitting up until the early hours – I had long retired, faint from my fitting and the ensuing cost of that and the Sushi I had subsequently shared with my daughter. However, the next morning, Miss Trial said, “Dad decided to have his wedding day chat with me last night.”
“Oh,” I said, lifting my head from a writer’s chapter 1. “Yes, he wanted to make sure I wanted to marry Master Mind.” Then she swept her hair back with her left hand and sparkling engagement ring and said, “You know Dad. ‘Just in case – rather now than later – before the wedding reception needs to be paid for’.”
I gave her a look of utter horror and said, “What on earth did you say?”
“Oh, don’t panic,” she said. “I told him there was no backing out. I told him you’ve already paid the deposit for your very expensive wedding outfit.”
I sighed with relief. That’s my family. Future proofed.
The TV man phoned at that point to arrange delivery of the 3D Panasonic. Then I had a thought. What if the ‘Dear John’ film becomes transposed to 3D in the future? I – or descendants – could see all dimensions of this old crab here …

Caroline Francis won her second free taster on a Tuesday Creative Ink session for spotting that it’s Rigby and Peller. No-one suggested I couldn’t possibly be a size 14.
Anyone can come to a free taster on a Tuesdays – please book – or Thursdays which has a waiting list but sometimes writers are absent so try.
NB Porkie Pie winners must take up the prize within three months.

Blog 33 – Visiting the Underworld or The Importance of Tight Foundations …

15/01/2012 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 33 – Visiting the Underworld – or the Importance of Tight Foundations …Ms Paige Turner tells a porkie pie on each blog – you can win a Creative Ink free taster session on a Tuesday – Tuesday writers exempting …if you guess correctly …

When I saw some of the Bull Rushes of the forthcoming Creative Ink film: Dear John, Dear Anyone …’ I said to Master Brylcream (our technical director), “Who is that old crab who looks as though she has crawled from under the sea bed?”
“Oh, Jan,” Master Brylcream sighed, eating one of my cocktail sausages, “it’s the way I light you. You’re a character actress and Emma did so well to create your wrinkles.”
How sweet is that? (I notice the young ones start their sentences with this word ‘how’.)
I had a similar experience at Rigby and Pelman’s who sell the Queen her brassieres. I bought three of the latter. It’s a new experience for me as I usually buy brassieres in South Africa’s Woolworths who sell them to me for 20 Rand (two quid) if they can’t find the price tag. Anyhow, I’m off piste. I decided to buy two swim suits in the sale as it was, ‘Buy one at half price and get the second free’. How what a bargain is that, I asked Mr Justin Case who rolled his eyes upward.
Anyway, Rowan said to me, “Are you a size ten?” Actually, at this point her eyes did slip downward to my ample hips. I laughed. “I think you had better fetch me a size 12,” I said. Ha, ha, ha. And so she did – with a cup of coffee., which Miss Trial, my daughter, proceeded to drink. She’d had a hard day in front of the jury who was out. You don’t get that kind of coffee service in SA’s Woolies. Well, the size 12s didn’t fit me but I got a great deal on two size 14s and I’ve just returned from having a good swim in one of them. It just goes to show the Importance of Tight Foundations – which was the title of my first blog. It’s such a relief to get back to where I started.
Flashback to the Bull Rushes. My future son-in-law, Master Mind looked wonderful. He was chosen for the part as a result of his utter look of confusion. It helped that he was having to react to me as Master Mind does sometimes look at me with utter confusion so well. I said, “My future son-in-law is so good looking.”
“Yes,” Master Brylcream said. “He is. He is very good looking indeed.” And then after another cocktail sausage, Master Brylcream said, “Of course it’s the way I light him.”

Creative Ink for Writers’ Book class on a Thursday morning has a waiting list but there are two places left on Tuesday’s Get Inspired – so anyone can come to a free taster if you check with Paige Turner first.

Rushing to Give a Sausage…

04/01/2012 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 32 – Rushing to Give a Sausage …

Just before New Year I met Mr Double Cream from Uxbridge lurking around the Party Packages in Waitrose, Beaconsfield. I was tossing up as to get a Bumper Pack of Cocktail Sausages or get the all inclusive Sausage Rolls and Chapatis as well, which he thought prudent. I was bemoaning the fact that I had eight house guests for the New Year and ‘Dear John’ Production Team cocktails ahead of me – and I was exhausted already, having spent two hours in Waitrose and not a mince pie in sight. They had sold out. “Do we need any more sausages at this point?” I asked Mr Double Cream.
He was non-committal. His answer to guests who come staggered and in droves, was to pop out for some ‘salad’.
Having said all this – and what a mouthful it has been – there are no more delightful guests than Mrs Carrie Oakey and Husb and daughter, Miss Nancy Oakey – so called as they are Karaoke aficionados. A bit like The Borrowers Afield family as they copy celebs’ musical perfs beautifully. Mr Justin Case’s answer to this is to clear the 1980’s Hostess (plate and meat warmer) my mother gave to us as a wedding present which sits in the new kitchen extension and turn it into a Music Centre – as he loves a good old knees up, mostly to the Four Seasons.
Whoops – there’s the theme for the Rhyme & Reason comp this year: Seasons. You see, I can’t help myself tripping up on the old metafiction.
Anyway, the Hostess cum Music Centre was transposed into a Production Centre when Master Brylcream and his lovely wife-to -be turned up with the Bull Rushes of the ‘Dear John’ film. The Oakey family and the production team watched 15 minutes from 15 hours’ worth of filming in the autumn on the Hostess Laptop Production Centre and I have to confess to a little more than a rush of adrenalin to my head.
Plenty of that coming up in the New Year with Creative Ink classes starting next Tuesday 10th (Get Inspired) and Thursday 12th (Get that Book). Both courses are running and some places still left but only one seat left on the Book Course.
Well, who needs a Hostess to serve up cocktail sausages? And how lucky am I to have such good friends to see in the New Year?

PS. Ms Paige Turner will be back with Porkie Pie competition next bi-month. She’s tired.

All Wrapped Up

19/12/2011 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 31 – All Wrapped Up – Ms Paige Turner takes a festive break from intentional fibbing every Christmas …

To my three constant blog readers – you know who you are – and anyone else reading in – excepting spammers – a very merry Christmas and I wish you the gift of happiness this season.
Seasons is the theme for the coming Rhyme & Reason prose and poetry writing competition this coming year and the deadline is usually March.
In 2012 there will be exciting new developments for Creative Ink Publishing: branching out into E Publishing on Kindle. Maybe Santa will bring me one for Christmas. What I will be doing at some point in 2012 is to be publishing the first chapters of my first novel Blackberry Promises on my blog. So watch this blog space.
This is my final blog for 2011 and the final piece of Karndean is now down in the extension – it’s Karndean and not Amtico as I fibbed on the last blog; but I also skilfully lay another porkie pie as that’s a bit hard for those blog readers not extending themselves. Mr Double Cream for Uxbridge (obviously one of my three regular readers) won it. Of course Carole Middleton has an ‘e’ on the end of her Christian name. I had intentionally omitted this. ‘E’s are so important as in ‘E’ Publishing and ‘Merry Christmas’ and important people’s names. Try writing four hundred words without using one if you have a spare hour. Four handout sheets of your choice, Mr Double Cream will be winging its way to you by email.
Wrapping presents gets more arduous with the years. My dentist has informed me that I must use scissors to cut Sellotape and this puts hours on the task.
What about that wedding frock then for the forthcoming nuptials of Miss Trial and Master Mind? It’s begun its journey and it’s over to Master Plan on that one. But, I’ll say this – whatever is good enough for Carole Middleton is good enough for this MOB.
That’s a wrap up for 2011.

Some places still left on Creative Ink Writing classes beginning Tuesday 10th and Thursday 12th January although reaching max soonish.
And you can subscribe to my blog by clicking on the box in the right hand corner.

The Dust has Settled or Turkey Counselling …

04/12/2011 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 30 – The Dust has Settled … or Turkey Counselling. On each blog Ms Paige Turner tells an intentional porkie pie. Spot this week’s fib for four Creative Ink handouts …

When people asked me to make commitments in 2011 I spent the best part of the year saying, “Oh! I’m not sure as I may be filming …”
Then I would find myself – albeit subconsciously saying, “When I’m filming in the autumn …”
And then of course when the autumn came, I took great delight in saying, “I’m afraid I can’t make that school reunion, craft fayre, workshop, book launch … I’m filming, you see.”
And so I was. And now I’m not. And I miss desperately saying, “Oh! I’m filming that weekend. So sorry.”
What shall I do? Take up turkey counselling, I guess.
The dust has also settled on our house and my nose is noticeably less itchy. Just the final bit of Amtico to go down in the extension. Mr Justin Case and I have been extended beyond our means waiting for this screeding to breathe. I could do a PHD in Home Improvements.
I couldn’t do an HND in Filming as I never understood a word Master Brylcream (Tech Director) and Master Sound Advice (Sound/Editing) were saying. It was all Jimmy Riddle to me. But I learnt heaps about script writing and managing the bodies that need to be on a set. So see my new ‘Script to Screen’ monthly column beginning in February’s Writing Magazine www.writers-online.co.uk Thank you, Mr Editor for the ‘nice work’ and thank you Master Brylcream, Master Sound Advice and Ms Juke Box for not even stopping for a tuna sarnie on filming days. Oh! There I go again …
‘Dear John’ entrants can still receive a report of their submission for a mere fiver.
Creative Ink classes ‘Get Inspired’ – Tuesdays and ‘Get that Book’ Thursdays at the Fitzwilliams Centre are definitely running from Jan 10th and Jan 12th for seven consecutive weeks. You can come to a free taster if you are not sure about signing up but ‘Get that Book’ looks as though it may fill up by January as I only have two places left.
If you would like to purchase of copy of Patricia Sentinella’s collection Dear John, Dear Anyone … at £7.99 – a great stocking filler – then contact me and I will send to you free postage. If you like Patricia’s words then do post a short review on Amazon as this helps Creative Ink Publishing sales no end.
The ‘save the date’ for the Dear John, Dear Anyone … film presentation is Saturday 17th November next year when we hope that the lovely Tony McHale will be presenting the £100 cash prize to the winner. All very exciting. I shall have to buy a new frock – or wear the new one I will be purchasing for Miss Trial’s and Master Mind’s wedding in July. I won’t be telling you my designer: as Carol Middleton said, “I have a number of options.” Well, if she can have options, so can I.
Oh! Must fly. There is a turkey at my door … 

PS. Dear John – the bit about the turkey counselling is a joke. Please don’t set Animal Rights on to me.

Normal Services …

21/11/2011 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 29 – Normal Services …

Week 19 on Knotty Green House Renovations and …
The house is strangely silent …
12 ‘Dear Johns’ ‘in the can’ …
Miss Trial has selected her wedding dress and …
My God is in His heaven …

Creative Ink for Writers’ classes resume the week of Tuesday 10th January 2012 (Get Inspired – Theme – 8 Days a Week) and Thursday 12th January 2012 (Get that Book out of You). Readers can attend a free taster for the remaining two weeks of term – just email me. Next blog 30 ‘the porkie pie’ competition resumes with prizes.

Gone Filming …

07/11/2011 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 28 – Gone Filming …

Week 17 of House Renovations in Knotty Green. I have men up my chimney. Puts a new slant on Christmas. Will Master Builder be gone by then?
9 ‘Dear Johns’ with cutaways ‘in the can’ and counting down ‘till Christmas. They let me say ‘it’s a wrap’. 🙂

The Back Up Plan

09/10/2011 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 26 – The Back Up Plan …Ms Paige Turner tells an intentional fib on each blog. This bi-month you can win a free taster session at Creative Ink for Writers …

Mr Double Cream from Uxbridge, the term ‘bi-monthly’ can be every two months or twice a month. So that wasn’t the intentional fib last month and we are both right, Mr Double Cream and me more by luck than judgement. Which is why it’s always good to have a ‘back up plan’. It could have been the fib if I’d been wrong.
The intentional error was that Master Sound Advice is not our technical director on the ‘Dear John, Dear Anyone …’ film. The technical director is, of course, Master Brylcream – soon to be a married Mister. Just goes to show that none of the ‘Dear John’ production team read my blog.
But back to my self promotion. Creative Ink classes start up next week with one place going on each of the Tuesday (Get Inspired) and Thursday (Get that Book) courses and I’m at the Beaconsfield Library on Wednesday 12th October at 2.00pm talking about all those Creative Ink pursuits.
But mostly I’ve been pursuing decorators, kitchen fitters and Master Builder who turned up today with a smile to collect one of his cheques. If the decorators aren’t finished by next week 13 in Knotty Green, then we won’t be getting ‘floored’ and the Floors men will have to Karndean the bathroom and not the hallway. Plan B is so called for The Back Up Plan. Have you ever noticed how Plan B can sometimes turn out to be better than Plan A?
My life is bizarre. Last weekend I helped Miss Trial select a wedding dress at the Walthamstow Wedding Fair, auditioned four cats (by photo) for the ‘Dear John’ film (well done, Luke – sorry Ginger but remember The Back Up Plan – you are our understudy) and helped Mr Justin Case to choose patio slabs.
I love our decorators: I mean they’ve been part of the household for five weeks now. But I told them how happy I will be to see them go. We’ve had our communication problems. When the curtain poles were being discussed (do you have any idea how much curtain poles cost???) Mr Justin Case said, “These old poles are useless”.
Did we have some explaining to do to our delightful Polish decorators …

* Free taster session subject to availability of seats and must be taken up this autumn term.

Home is Rome

25/09/2011 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 25 – Home and Rome: Every bi-month Jan Moran Neil tells an intentional porkie pie. This bi-month wins you four Creative Ink handout sheets …

My home resembles the Forum: dust and dirt, decay and a mere shadow of its once glorious self.
On Monday morning this shell was unusually quiet. The decorators failed to pitch up. On making enquiries, I find that the decorator who speaks a little English ‘has a big fever’.
I have been waiting for a few days now for the ‘big fever’ to pass over and my home is a patchwork of Cornish cream and a 90s Regency striped navy blue. This is week 10 in Knotty Green.
It’s also bang in the middle of Phase 2 of ‘Dear John’ rehearsals and I fret when an actor has to cancel and have bad dreams that they come down with big fevers on autumnal filming weekends. Master Sound Advice (Tech Director) has told me to steel myself for some trials. Filming is a long process and Ms Juke Box (Set Designer) and Ms Paint our Faces (a make up artiste who wafted in from Luton Heaven airport and volunteered her services) are sourcing the last of the props.
The porkie pie last bi-month was that Creative Ink for Writers’ classes start again on Tuesday 11th October (Get Inspired) and Thursday 13th October (Get that Book). I set the digits wrong. A few places left still on each course so email me and I will send details if you are interested.
This coming Friday 30th September Pat Sentinella and I will be reading from her collection, “Dear John, Dear Anyone …’ at the Beaconsfield Library/11.00am. I think they are doing refreshments too.
When I returned from the gym (yes, I do) at lunchtime today there was the splendid sight of three white builders’ vans. The decorator had just arrived and I told him I thought he had re-emigrated to Poland. He said no, just a fever. I empathised whilst running through a list of ‘snags’ and he said – not so bad – ‘twas ‘hay’ fever’.
Hey ho. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Well, not on Mondays obviously.