A Foot in Both Camps …

08/09/2013 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 73 – A Foot in Both Camps … On each blog Ms Paige Turner tells a porkie pie. Spot it and you will get a free assessment of up to 400 words of prose this month.

I hope you are all enjoying your blistering early autumn in the UK. When we arrived in Cape Town Mister Justin Case and I were met with the worst early spring in 12 years and told to go look at the snow on the top of Table Mountain. I’ve seen snow: I want to get my garden furniture out.
Sun hats aside, we’re also here to get The Arbour – our SA house in fairest Fish Hoek – painted. Our painter Henry who is far from being a Hooray, turned up this Sunday morning resplendent in his purple shirt and white tie, freshly laundered from preaching about ‘being disappointed’ at the local chapel. So I mustn’t be but it does seem surreal to be at our sun home that only houses bikinis and cold beers and be well, cold. I also stubbed my toe before departure, rendering me, for a second time this year, incapacitated in the right foot department (please see Blog – On Foot in the US of A, as well as writers on the Thomson’s Caribbean Cruise knowing I squabbled with a sun lounger in December). So to the smell of paint and paraffin heaters (why would we have central heating in Africa?) I prepared myself to go do my annual lecture in Milnerton for the lovely West Coast Writers.
This spring I was asked to lecture on Gripping Beginnings, Firm, Tight Waistlines and Pert, Satisfying, Stunning Endings. It’s great to see, amongst many others, Dawn, Stephen, Charlotte and Barry and every annum we are a year older and this year I was cold and told them about my foot injury as well as how to start, fill a wordy sandwich and finish it off.
It was at the ‘Finishing Off’ stage that we get to the nub of this blog for when I thought Barry was about to ‘finish off’ he asked me why I was wearing two different shoes. Honest to God, I looked down at my feet and there they stood: one black clog on the left foot and one right Tsonga sandal on the injured right. How did I manage to drive all the way from Fish Hoek to Milnerton in different shoes and not notice? And why wasn’t I quick enough off the mark to say I needed an open toe on the flailing right foot?
The truth of the foot matter is that – although it was dark when I dressed (immaculately in a 10 year old Woolworths’ suit the writers will vouch) and I was side skipping (well not quite) painters, I subconsciously have a foot in both camp; a clog on the left for the cold Cape Town and a sandal on the right for a UK heat wave. I’m confused.
When Mister Justin Case collected me I showed him my feet and asked how he could not notice two different shoes. True to form, he kept his eyes ahead on Table Mountain and the lovely Lion’s Head and said, “Good thing you weren’t going to an interview today.”

1 place left on Tuesdays ‘Get Inspired’ this autumn and two on Thursdays’ ‘Get that Book’.
MY NOVEL BLACKBERRY PROMISES IS AVAILABLE ON AMAZON – PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW IF YOU HAVE ENJOYED.

Message to Miss Janet Titterington, aged 13.

23/08/2013 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 72. Message to Miss Janet Titterington – aged 13.

1. Don’t pay out for all those counselling sessions for your wasp phobia. They won’t work. Just don’t go on picnics in August.
2. You will become thin.
3. You will lose your virginity one day.
4. You will publish your novel. (BLACKBERRY PROMISES AVAILABLE ON AMAZON – PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW.)
5. You will lose the things you love: watches, best friends, your parents, your hair, your voice and your confidence. They will be returned to you, grow back, or come around in a different form.
6. Tell your mother and father that they are a good mother and father.
7. Remember you have been fortunate enough to have a good mother and father.
8. You will get to Cambridge University but it will take you a long, long time.
9. Wear factor 50 on your face when you go in the sun but you will need Botox past your menopause on account of your astigmatism and because vanity is one of your major flaws.
10. Say ‘sorry’ quickly if the person counts with you and even if you are not in the wrong because you will never lose the acid on your tongue.
11. You will marry your prince and give birth to a beautiful princess.

Creative Ink for Writers’ November classes – 1 place left on Tuesdays and 3 places left on Thursdays. Email me.

Behind the Fringe …

11/08/2013 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 71 – Behind the Fringe … Ms Paige Turner tells a porkie pie on each blog. Spot this one and you will receive a free entry into Creative Ink Publishing’s short story comp on the theme of ‘Promises’ – deadline – October 1st.

I had been on my way to the Edinburgh Fringe twice before – and with two different productions. The first time was back in my Ruddles Theatre Company days in 1979. We were going to take Barry Keefe’s splendid play ‘Gotcha’ which we had been touring in the midlands. Having taken Ruddles Brewery’s name (my company was based in Rutland) they gave us some publicity and that was that and the bank roll was too much for me.
The same story is re-told in 2003. My play, BLACKBERRY PROMISES – (the novel is available on Amazon and please leave a review) had 16 actors, 3 techies and a heavy set including a juke box. It just wasn’t going to work.
However, when my very good friend Mr Red Hat and his husband, who is very big at Assembly, suggested Mister Justin Case and I take a trip up, and my mate Flip Webster would be performing WOMEN OF AN UNCERTAIN AGE – her two women show with the lovely Maggie Bourgein at the Gilded Balloon – 2.30pm all days except Thursdays, we thought we would bite the Edinburgh bullet this year.
Flip’s show was luvverly jubberly and we had tickets for the Queen of South African Comedy – Tumi Morake – and Steve Richards – political editor of the Independent and Steven Berkoff’s ‘An Actor’s Lament’ and Jessica Sherr’s ‘Bette Davis – ain’t for sissies’. Actually, I felt like telling the lovely Jessica (watch out for her; she’s been on off Broadway) that getting old ain’t for sissies as I have been totally exhausted on my return from Edinburgh and I wasn’t even performing! Despite the fact that Milton Jones from ‘Mock the Week’ pinpointed me when I went to the loo during his stand up. Okay, I was sitting in the second row and I was wearing all white but Milton, like you said, I’d had a tiff with my husband and was living on my own postage stamp so didn’t hear you heckling me from the stage. Milton, my apologies, but have you ever thought of taking up a psychic routine?
On return, we then went up to the Tristam Bates Theatre and saw Fauzia Rahman’s play – what she wrote at Creative Ink for Writers. Her ‘The Philosopher’s Tale’ is part of the Camden Festival. It’s over now but all good stuff including bumping into Ms Beaconsfield Theatre there and talking about the new rules on rubbish. See my last blog.
A nod to the lovely WI who came and learnt how to tell a story with me a couple of weeks ago. The renowned India Knight of the Sunday Times was singing their praises last week and I agree. I love the WI and maybe in another life I will join them.
That’s all for now but please email me if you are interested in my November Creative Ink for Writers’ classes which are definitely running with three places left on Tuesdays and four places left on Thursday.

Rubbish …

27/07/2013 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 70 – Rubbish by Ms Paige Turner

I know in the long run, it will be a good thing. I know we need to do this for the environment but it’s just that the timing isn’t great.
I mean how many of these newly purchased tiny food sacs are we going to use up in this hot weather? I don’t know about you, chicken but I had dumped my food rubbish with all other debris almost daily even in the winter. Since rubbish collections have changed and with two of us in the house I’m not filling these newly purchased tiny food sacs every day. However, in this swathe of newly arrived heat the dumped food is smelling if you don’t put them in one of these copious wheelies outside the door on a daily basis.
And talking of the size of these sacs and the seasons, one of my lovely friends – Ms Beaconsfield Theatre – raised the question: how are we going to get the turkey carcass in the tiny food sac on Christmas night – or during the days following Christmas Day. Is it not enough for the Chief Turkey Cook and Red Wine Bottle Washer to have to slave over a hob at this time without having to break down a turkey carcass? Sorry turkeys.
It’s all too much for me. A nameless friend asked me how I was getting on with the rubbish and I told her Mister Justin Case has taken it over as a career and for this I am eternally grateful, even if he does scold me when I get the bin bag wrong for the clementine peel. She said – wait for it – she’s given up on the whole business and gone back to how it used to be done – and, and, so have her friends.
In this hot weather, I just need to go and lie down at the thought of it all and a yet another recent birthday. At least the wasps are spare in the air.
It all goes to show that I can write about anything, including rubbish. I’ll ask the WI what they think on Monday as I’m teaching them how to write a story.
Email me for Creative Ink for Writers classes in November and keep sending in the stories on the theme of Promises please.

One Handshake from Fame …

13/07/2013 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 69 – One Handshake from Fame – Ms Paige Turner tells a porkie pie on each blog. Spot this one and you will receive a free poetry assessment.
What do Barack Omama, Gavin Extence (winner of most debut novel awards) Noddy, Richard and Judy and Frankie Valli have in common?
Well, unbeknown to them all– barring Gavin – they have all been less than two Kevin Bacon steps from me in the last two weeks. There’s a theory that we are all only six acquaintances from the film star Kevin Bacon and the closer I can get to him the better quite frankly.
Let’s start with Obama. I had been trying to part with a great feature on the Ulutsha Theatre Company which is being founded in the township of Masiphumelele in Cape Town. When I discovered on Face Book that the founders had received a helicoptered visit by the President of the United States one recent Sunday evening – the feature was popular with editors on the Monday morning. See http://scenicsouth.co.za/2013/06/ulutsha-horizon-theatre-company-blossoming-in-masiphumelele-by-jan-moran-neil/ and alsohttp://www.thesouthafrican.com/entertainment/grassroots-theatre-dream-comes-alive-in-cape-town.htmThanks pal Earl Mentor for shaking hands with Barack last week.
I’ve interviewed Gavin Extence for a forthcoming feature in Writing Magazine on the very day that the winner of the Desmond Elliott Debut Novel award was announced. Gavin was runner up but he’s been winning so many awards for The Universe versus Alex Woods – we won’t worry and we’ll see him on Thursday 14th November at 11.00am at the Fitzwilliams Centre in Beaconsfield. Email me to book your £5 seat as it’s filling up.
Gavin’s also a Richard and Judy summer read. Summer is here and so was Richard and Judy at Chorleywood Bookshop talk last week. Richard was promoting his new book with gusto.
Last Saturday I was Noddy, Big Ears, Bumpy the Dog and the female car mechanic Lindi, at the Beaconsfield Library – for the Enid Blyton Celebration 100th Anniversary of the writer arriving in Beaconsfield. See forthcoming local press coverage and photo of moi as Noddy. Noddy was a taxi driver.
And finally, finally, Mister Justin Case, Master Mind and Miss Trial and I had almost front row seats at the Royal Albert Hall a couple of weeks ago. I shimmied to the front of the stage to ‘Let’s Hang on to What We’ve Got,’ and hung on to Frankie Valli’s hand, mouthing the words: I saw you in Denver last year.
After all this star gazing I had to go and lie down for a few days so I’ll be lying low until I get up and go to the Edinburgh Fringe in a couple of weeks.
Sign up for Creative Ink for Writers’ classes in November. Email for details and buy my book BLACKBERRY PROMISES on Amazon. Please leave a review if you have enjoyed.

Obama Visits the Desmond Tutu HIV Foundation in Masi, Cape Town.

01/07/2013 // by Jan Moran Neil

In the light of Obama’s Visit to the Desmond Tutu HIV Foundation in Masiphumelele, Cape Town on Sunday 30th June …it’s pure coincidence that I was to publish my feature this bi-month on – The Ulutsha Horizon Theatre Company blossoming in Masiphumelele, Fish Hoek, Cape Town.

I had the pleasure of parachuting in to the lovely False Bay, Cape Town last autumn as Obama and Desmond Tutu did just yesterday. I then had the privilege of interviewing Earl Mentor, sports and recreation manager at the Desmond Tutu HIV Foundation at Masiphumele along with his two internees: Khululwa Nkatshu and Sibabale Silo.
They wanted to start a new theatre company. They have.
Earl bounces towards me and greets me with a hug and Khuls and Sib – I will come to know them by these names – are ready with notebooks and pens.
My role, it appears, is to ask some questions which will fuel and focus their thinking. Why do they want to start a theatre company? What will the company have to offer, where will the members come from and where will they perform? When will this all start happening?
They didn’t need much fuelling.

Why. Their goal is the same as the HIV Foundation’s: to engage youth in a positive way. To that end drama will be used to bring about a positive change in the Far South community.
‘Youth’ is the all important word: Ulutsha. The team of three want to make it clear to prospective company members that this will be theatre by them, for them and about them. (I hope they let this old swallow have a ‘walk on’ part in the future. They are certainly open to those who have experience and can help their project but more on this later; let’s get you in on the facts, dear Reader.)

Okay, so that’s the why. Good worthy stuff. But what are they going to be offering in terms of new writing for their youths, the community and tourists who stop by to see the penguins?
Khuls, the company’s director and scriptwriter, is animated as she talks about ‘issue based’ theatre. That’s good. But drama’s about a bit of brainstorming and mostly about ‘getting up and doing’. Sib, the dance director is pleased when I mention that I have seen his brother’s production of My Africa last year in this very hall I’m now interviewing the dramatic trio. These young people can dance; they can sing; they have huge energy and passion and it seems they are open to learning more about communicating with words. I am in awe as they speak one conversation in two languages: Xhosa and English. They certainly have something to say and the HIV Foundation is strong on ‘what you get out is what you put in’.
As I write some weeks later after this interview, auditions have already been held. Eight performers have been chosen for their talent but also for their commitment. One is no good without the other. ‘Commitment’ is a word the Foundation is keen to get young people in your community to understand. ‘Commitment’ requires staying power, seeing the project through to the end, being there and taking part.

Where? ‘Outreach’ is good; into the local schools, colleges, townships and community centres. That’s the beginning and there’s the far reaching goal of the big local theatres: Artscape, Baxter, Fugard. They won’t be refusing but here’s their great vision of where! An outdoor amphitheatre: a space available at the Desmond Tutu HIV Centre at Masiphumelele to integrate with the outdoor sports facility currently being initiated.
However, that’s the great oak. The small acorns from which bigger things grow will be finding an outdoor space to perform in Fish Hoek, maybe on Saturdays and public holidays and getting into some Street Theatre.

When? The first performance on Heritage Day – Tuesday 24th September at the centre.

After this interview last autumn I sat with Khuls on the steps outside the HIV centre and we read Robert Frost’s poem The Road Not Taken together. (I happened to have a copy in my bag.) Frost talks about how ‘way leads on to way’ and I asked Khuls what she wanted from life. She said, “I’d like, one day, to start my own theatre company somewhere.”
I told her she’s doing it here and now. Help their ‘way lead on to way’ and help them build by coming and supporting their performances.
I asked Earl for a quote. He said, “No youth, no future.”
I’ll be back in the spring for their blossom.

DESMOND TUTU HIV FOUNDATION YOUTH CENTRE
Guinea Fowl Rd, Sunnydale,
Cape Town, 7975, South Africa
Tel: +27 21 785 6764
Cell: +27 72 857 3392
Skype: earl.mentor
www.desmondtutuhivcentre.org.za

Caroline Masom spotted the intentional error last blog/’film options ‘are’ confirmed on Gavin Extence’s debut novel – not ‘is’ confirmed. No intentional error this week.
Email me if you want info’ on my November Creative Ink classes.

Here comes Summer?

16/06/2013 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 67 – Here comes Summer? Ms Paige Turner makes an intentional ‘slip up’ on every blog. Spot this one and she will send you a free hand out sheet of your choice.
One could be forgiven for thinking I’m a right tart when it comes to the local press but yes, I’m in there again this week: Bucks Advertiser. Former Creative Inker, Jackie Marchant – author of ‘I’m Dougal Trump and it’s Not my Fault’ came to talk about her mainstream success with PanMacmillan and the ubiquitous journalist – Jo-Anne Rowney – sent down a photographer AND mentioned that Gavin Extence, author of ‘The Universe versus Alex Woods’ – who is a Richard and Judy summer read – is coming to Creative Ink in November. On the same day I went to hear Gavin – warm, friendly, entertaining and non-assuming – talk at Chorleywood Library. Excellent. He’s coming to us on Thursday 14th November and if you aren’t enrolled book a £5 ticket with me so I can reimburse Gavin for his train ticket from Sheffield. Until film options (and he has one) is confirmed writers remain church mice but he will be worth every penny of the 50.
Autumn Creative Ink classes on Tuesdays are confirmed with just three places left. There are a few more places on the Thursday ‘Get that Book’ course. So email me.
Last week I went up (yeh!) yes, I ‘went up’ to Cambridge to see my lovely new college: St. Edmund’s where I will be starting my Masters in Creative Writing. ‘Eddie’s’ as it is known in these educational lofty circles, is a college for mature students. Mature?? They looked sixteen to me – but I gather – one is termed ‘mature’ post first degree. Ah … ‘elastic’ springs to mind.
I realised during this visit that I will have to write next year.
Other things on the go at Creative Ink: plans to cater for young writers – news on this later. Send in your ‘Promises’ short stories – up to 2000 words. I look forward to the summer workshops both here and in Cape Town this summer. Summer? When I asked the ‘Get Inspired’ group to put their ‘summer’? plans into two sentences, Pat Sentinella, author of Creative Ink Publishing’s ‘Dear John, Dear Anyone …’ collection, wrote – ‘Oh, Jan. Summer is in your heart.’ 

02/06/2013 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 66 – ‘Dialogue with the Queen’. In commemoration of the Queen’s coronation 60 years ago almost to
this minute, here is a bit of fun from my collection ‘Serving Bluebird Pie’ available on Kindle for a couple of quid.

Dialogue with the Queen

Last night I dreamt the Queen said to me,
“Oh Janet, weren’t you in the crowd at Jubilee
in … nineteen seventy seven?
Wasn’t it that little town in Devon?”

“Falmouth,” I replied.

“Ah yes, and in nineteen eighty two
at Regent’s Park, we remember asking you –
‘how has been the weather?’”

I said, “I replied to you, ‘not bad’ but I lied.
In fact the weather could not have been wetter.

“Janet,” said she,
“you were the invisible voice of Puck’s fairy.
This, I believe, is what you have always been …
A little one doing good deeds unseen,
It’s always so nice to see you
and we are always so interested too
to know how you are in particular.
And so is the Duke of Edinburgh.”

This is called ‘illusions of grandeur’.

In fact I was an invisible fairy at Regent’s Park Open Air Theatre in both 1982 and 1983 and I have earned my sheckles in better ways.
The Creative Ink for Writers’ autumn term is now open for enrolments and booking fast. Just five classes in November as I’ve been accepted for the Masters’ degree in Creative Writing at St Edmund’s College, Cambridge as from October which I hope will enrich my teaching of a subject I love.
Flip Webster gets a free handout sheet of her choice for spotting that her show – ‘Women of an Uncertain Age’ is at the Gilded Balloon and not the Gilded Ballroom as I stated –at Edinburgh this August. Thank goodness Flip knows where she is.
And Gavin Extence wrote ‘The Universe versus Alex Woods’ and not Alex ‘Hoods’. He’s coming to talk at Creative Ink on Thursday 14th November.
Mr Double Cream of Uxbridge – where is this poem submission what you won on an intentional error? No intentionals this week.

Working Away at Workshops …

19/05/2013 // by Jan Moran Neil

Blog 65 – Working away at Workshops – Ms Paige Turner tells an intentional fib on each blog. Spot this one and get a free handout sheet on any writing related topic of your choice.

I’ve been out at Missenden Abbey and up to the lovely Amersham Ladies and even in the Creative Ink classes we’ve been doing: ‘Writing Your Life Story’. Writing your life story in six words is an interesting exercise – then develop it into a one hundred and you’ll discover what is most important to you.
We’re all looking forward to former Creative Inker: Jackie Marchant coming to talk about getting her children’s novel ‘I’m Dougal Trump and it’s Not My Fault’ published by PanMacmillan on Thursday 6th June at 11.00am at the Fitzwilliams Centre. You can come too. For free. And you get a coffee and a chocolate biscuit. Email me.
Hot off this blog press is the news that Hodder’s upandcoming author: Gavin Extence will be reading and talking about his debut novel: ‘The Universe Versus Alex Hoods’ – which has received rave reviews in the national papers, next autumn term on Thursday 14th November. Email me if you would like to come. How did I wangle that one? The old girl network is an amazing thing, but let’s not focus on ‘the old’, Selhurst Grammar School for Girls.
Well done to Galit Gibson who won the Synopsis Award at the St Alban’s Literary Festival in April – Galit has been writing this children’s book whilst at Creative Ink. And Fauzia Rahman is having her play – what she wrote at Creative Ink – ‘The Philosopher’s Tale’ performed at the Camden Festival during the first week of August at the Tristam Bates Theatre. So Google and book.
I will catch it – that and a few days up at the Edinburgh Fringe this summer as my mate Flip Webster is doing her show: ‘Women of an Uncertain Age’ at the Gilded Ballroom.
I’ve been doing animation voice overs down at the National Film and Television School and buying new beds and shifting them around the house whilst falling off of stools. I’ve been busy and ready for a lie down if I could find somewhere in my house to do so.
I’d better get a good night’s sleep as Mr Justin Case and I are off tomorrow to see ‘The Jersey Boys’ FOR THE SEVENTH TIME with Miss Trial and Master Mind who have just bought their first home. I need an annual injection of The Four Seasons, so it’s all go. We hope to have a nice meal after.
I’ll end on meals. My great niece, I know, I look too young to have one, told us that Jesus took his disciples to a restaurant for his last supper. We laughed. Quite cross, she said, “But it was a very good restaurant.”

PS Does anyone know of any good dressing table stool restorers?
MY NOVEL – BLACKBERRY PROMISES – is now available on Amazon Kindle for a couple of quid. If you’ve read and enjoyed please leave a review on Amazon.